Wounded
by abbylicious
Summary: Abby breaks Carter's heart and in her agony, she starts drinking again. Very angsty, but still a carby... *FINISHED* If you liked my fic, you should reread my note @ the end. *thanks coffeeandpie!!!*
1. This is not happening...

Wounded  
  
By: *Heather*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the show ER.  
  
Author's note: This fic happens right after *the kiss* in "Lockdown". Don't get frustrated if you don't like the way the story goes- I assure you, it IS a carby, I just really, REALLY like angsty Abby... And I did not review my own fic, my sister was logged on under me when she read and reviewed it... lmao...  
  
Chapter 1: This is not happening...  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
This is not happening.  
  
How could it be? This is the kind of thing that happened only in dreams, in fantasies. This is the perfect moment that everyone on earth dreams about, that moment when time seems to simply expand.  
  
And for Abby Lockhart, it was happening in a quarantine room at County General... In a hot, sticky, disgusting hospital room, probably inhabited by a fatal disease. Her moment...  
  
Then it all came crashing down. It all became a blur after that moment- Was it me? Was it him? All they knew was that in one moment, they visited heaven, and it was suddenly over.  
  
She broke away.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I can't..."  
  
After such blessed silence, words rushed in like an invader. Their foreheads leaned against one another in mutual shock. Carter turned Abby's head upward at his own with a heartbreaking look upon his face. She had to turn away. His eyes were too much to bear.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
Carter's voice wasn't convicting, he spoke with pure and beautiful concern.  
  
"I can't do this..."  
  
"So you say,"  
  
"...not here, not now."  
  
"Don't do this to me Abby..."  
  
The statement went straight from his lips to pierce a deep hole in Abby's heart. He had no idea how much it hurt her to do this. But she couldn't let this happen. She cared so much for Carter... How badly she wanted only to kiss him one more time... But she couldn't bring him in; into all her hateful issues, her pathetic and angst-filled pit of despair. The thought of hurting him like that kept Abby strong as she pushed him away now.  
  
His hands slipped away from her body as Abby backed slowly away. She had made such a terrible mistake, letting her guard down in such a moment of weakness for the both of them. She had made things so much worse, completely beyond repair. There was no going back, or forward.  
  
"You should go see if Susan needs you... the vaccine clinic..."  
  
Carter said the words with absolutely no emotion, no feeling. He looked at Abby the same way. She could feel the tension in the room, and it was feeling more like hatred with every advancing second. She crossed the room to the door, and her whispered, tearful "I'm sorry," went completely unnoticed by an anguished Carter.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Abby! I was just coming to get you! We're ready to begin..."  
  
Susan's expression changed rapidly when she saw Abby's moist eyes.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
Abby had to take a moment to recover from her desperate shock, and focus on the person standing in front of her.  
  
"Oh... Oh, I'm fine really... I guess the heat is really getting to me."  
  
Susan looked cautiously back at the room from which Abby had come.  
  
"You don't have a fever do you?"  
  
Abby smiled her world-class fake smile. The smile that never really fooled anyone.  
  
"I'm fine. Let's get started on the vaccine..."  
  
"I'll be right there. I'm gonna go check on Carter..."  
  
Abby did a double take at the sound of his name. The last thing he probably wanted right now was company.  
  
"I uh, I just checked his temperature, actually. He's fine..." She choked a little recalling the events.  
  
Susan looked at Abby, then back at the door. She reluctantly followed Abby towards the vaccination room, her mind buzzing from exhaustion and curiosity.  
  
Abby fought in vain against herself to keep from thinking entirely. 


	2. Love, impulse, tragedy

Wounded  
  
By: *Heather*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the show ER.  
  
Author's note: This fic happens right after *the kiss* in "Lockdown". Don't get frustrated if you don't like the way the story goes- I assure you, it IS a carby, I just really, REALLY like angsty Abby...  
  
Chapter 2: Love, impulse, tragedy  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"...And thank you all again for a superior job handling the situation."  
  
The man from Disease Control stepped down from the chair he was standing on and walked towards the exit with heavy shoulders. It had been a long, hot 63 hours since anyone unlucky enough to have come to work that fatal day had seen daylight. Now they were being sent home with nothing more than a pat on the back and a puncture in their arm from the vaccine.  
  
"A superior job handling the 'situation' my ass..."  
  
Pratt's sarcasm was mutually felt throughout the ER as the irritable patients and exhausted doctors crowded the exit. One by one, every person left or was replaced by someone anxiously waiting outside. Families were reunited after days of worrying, and the ER was again "open for business". Things were almost starting to seem normal...  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
She knew she was wrong. She knew all too well that anything and everything she had done in the last two and a half days had been terribly, terribly wrong. She deserved to be punished. She deserved the waterfall of self- hate that drowned her over and over.  
  
Abby walked slowly, staring straight ahead, looking at nothing in particular. Her mind had been buzzing for almost 3 days and all she wanted was peace.  
  
The little boy, Adam, who had been critical just 1 night before, was going to make a full recovery. Deb and Pratt had also recovered, and went home with nothing more than a mild flu. No one else got sick.  
  
That was the good news.  
  
The bad news was having to spend 2 nights in a hospital room with no ventilation and no AC, and positively drowning in the unbearable heat with no relief and no breaks.  
  
And then there was the fact that Abby had ripped Carter's heart out with a blunt stick, tore it into a million pieces and stomped whatever love it still held for her to death with the bottom of her shoe (to put it gently...).  
  
But the worst part was the fact that Carter had acted completely normal, as if nothing had happened at all. And it was all her fault...  
  
Abby was slowly but steadily nearing her own building. Her feat were like lead weights as she desperately tried to climb the stairs to her own apartment. She actually had to stop and think about which key to use to enter. Abby never even stopped to remove her coat as she fell fatigued on her bed.  
  
Dreamless sleep is a welcomed reward.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
A wave of steam wove itself around the doorframe of Carter's bathroom as he walked slowly out. As he had promised, he treated himself to a 2 hour shower. But he had so much more to wash away than sweat and weariness. He wished he could simply wash away the entire 2 days...  
  
He entered his bedroom and pulled on a pair of boxers. His walk was different now; he walked with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Sure, he had correctly diagnosed two cases of a life-threatening disease, made an incredible save on the little boy, and stopped the virus from spreading to the entire city, preventing a fatal epidemic... Hell, he was a hero in every regard.  
  
But his heart was completely void of all feeling. It didn't seem possible for one person to hurt this much. The pain he felt was unlike anything he had ever experienced. He felt his soul dying within him, like every single moment he lived without Abby brought him closer and closer to an undeniable and tragic end. It was so unfair. It wasn't fair that he had to love her this much, that she could tear his world down with only two words. While he was kissing her, the room just melted away, and he finally felt at ease. He felt he had reached the end of a long (but worthwhile) journey. He felt safe and secure and truly happy for the first time in what seemed like forever. He thought she felt the same way; he thought he knew. But then it was over. And just like that, here he was- Alone.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Bright red numbers blinked to 12:32 a.m. on Abby's alarm clock. She knew she was awake, she just didn't want to admit it to herself. She wanted to stay in the numb, dreamless world where she never had to think. But all too soon the memories came rushing back, and she was left with a dull, throbbing headache.  
  
Abby got up slowly, and with a deep groan, dragged herself towards the kitchen. She rummaged around in a cupboard until she found a bottle of aspirin. Then she proceeded to the refrigerator and searched for some bottled water. As she was grabbing for one, her eyes landed on a very different bottle hiding far behind the old jar of mayonnaise. She pushed things aside until she could see it clearly. The syrupy brown liquid beckoned to her with an irresistible lure. The cold air radiating from the icy box made her completely aware of what she was contemplating. It took every last ounce of her self-control to even peel her eyes away from the intoxicating drink. It was then that she knew she didn't have the strength to stop herself this time.  
  
She should have thrown it out. She should have emptied it. She should have done the same with the six-pack she had hidden in the vegetable crisper. The guilt was so overwhelming, so suffocating...  
  
Abby jabbed three aspirin in her mouth and chugged half the bottle of beer in two swallows. As soon as she had finished, she broke out into violent tears and shook with a vigor that scared her. She was gasping between cries, trying desperately to breathe, but the tears wouldn't stop. And neither would Abby...  
  
Two, three, four down... After a while, the guilty, painful, desperate love she felt became a problem she couldn't quite touch, and the way she had destroyed Carter became a memory that was somewhere outside of herself.  
  
But somewhere inside she knew the pain would return all too soon, and it would be worse than ever imaginable. She, Abby Lockhart, was the one solely responsible for killing the spirit of John Carter. She had completely mutilated the one and only man who had never done anything more for her than simply be there. And for what selfish reason? Because she didn't want him to be sucked into her sick and demented world of pain. It was all for her own well-being. If Abby didn't let Carter in, she wouldn't have to deal with him leaving her when he found out what a mental case she was. She didn't deserve to love anybody, especially not someone as genuinely good as Carter.  
  
But that fact didn't really stop her.  
  
Abby nearly toppled over when she rose too quickly from her chair. She regained her balance and walked quickly towards the door. She yanked it open and slammed it shut with a deadly force. She kept veering sideways as she walked, but she continued relentlessly. She had no idea where she was going, she only knew she had to get away from that puddle of self-pity where thinking was the only thing she had to do. She just had to stop her mind from thinking...  
  
Abby burst onto the sidewalk and walked about 20 feet until she crashed herself into a rusty blue car. She yanked on the handle- locked. She continued to the next and the next, until finally, one gave in. The keys lay on the passenger seat with a mischievous, inviting glow. Abby didn't even stop moving to think, she only slid over to the driver's seat and inserted the key into the ignition. Hot, fiery tears flowed over her face as she pulled violently away...  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
The sound of a ringing phone woke Carter from his troubled, uneasy slumber. He groggily reached over to the cordless on his nightstand. A voice he barely even recognized called out over the line.  
  
"Carter? Carter, are you there?"  
  
"Ya, ya I'm here, Kerry..."  
  
"Sorry to wake you, but we really need you down here... I can't get a hold of anyone else... Can you make it over at all?"  
  
Carter barely stopped the groan from surfacing to the mouthpiece.  
  
"Kerry, I just got off like, 6 hours ago..."  
  
"I know, I know... I'm sorry... But we NEED you down here! Please, just as soon as you can... I have to go..."  
  
The line clicked and Carter was left with dead air. He sighed deeply and lay back down for a little while before he got up and pulled on a semi- clean shirt with serious unenthusiasm.  
  
As he was leaving his apartment, he looked at the clock- 12:53 a.m. When he did this, he was hit with a strange feeling that something was terribly, terribly wrong. He tried to dismiss it, but it only got stronger as he neared Country General. He had never felt anything like this before. 


	3. Nightmare

Wounded  
  
By: *Heather*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the show ER.  
  
Author's note: This fic happens right after *the kiss* in "Lockdown". Don't get frustrated if you don't like the way the story goes- I assure you, it IS a carby, I just really, REALLY like angsty Abby... My emergency room scene is probably terrible, but I don't know a lot of doctor lingo, so please forgive me...  
  
Chapter 3: Nightmare  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Carter!"  
  
He had barely even walked in the door when he heard the shout of his name. Carter jerked around to see Susan pulling a bloody stretcher towards trauma one. She looked at him desperately.  
  
"I'll be right there!" he called after her as he rushed to the break room to get his things.  
  
The ER had been hit with a major fire accident. A building on the West side had gone up in flames an hour ago, and the ambulances just kept coming. They were counting close to a total of 15 victims, most of them with critical burns.  
  
As Carter was dashing to help Susan, he was hit with another ping of uneasiness. He didn't have any time to try and figure it out at the moment, so he did all he could to ignore it and get back to work.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Blinding bright headlights and sharp, dangerous corners were all Abby could see for light years ahead of her. And this vision was blurred entirely by her own tears. The combination of misery and the alcohol in her system was a deadly mix. The vehicle was swerving all over the highway, no matter how she tried to control it. The small bit of common sense she had left was wondering why the hell she had ever gotten in this car. But depression overwhelmed this common sense, and she floored the peddle. She just didn't care anymore...  
  
She heard the crash before she felt the jolt of it. She remembered how terrifying it was to see her reflection in the rear view mirror. Then, all of a sudden, she was lying on the pavement a few feet from the car. Her door had been completely torn away. She fought hard to stay awake, but to no avail. Before she fell unconscious, a single tear rolled down her cheek, and she only wished she could have saved Carter from so much pain...  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"We've got another one coming in!" someone yelled from the ER entrance.  
  
"I got it!" Carter had been working for nearly an hour on the burn victims, and one by one they were being sent upstairs.  
  
"Is it more from the fire?" he asked as he followed the EMT to the ambulance.  
  
"No, this one's an auto accident out on highway 41... Caucasian female with massive abdominal trauma... Hit a truck head-on..."  
  
Carter stood back from the ambulance doors and was hit with the most undeniable feeling of doom he had gotten all night. This time it was impossible to dismiss. He tried his best to prepare himself for a bloody scene.  
  
But nothing could have prepared him for what came out of that ambulance.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Let's get her to trauma two!!!"  
  
Carter ripped open the door on the room and lifted Abby onto the bed at the usual count of three. He slapped on the latex gloves as nurses and EMTs rushed around him.  
  
When he saw her face coming out of that ambulance, he just about fell over and passed out. The same words kept replaying in his head- "It's Abby, It's Abby..." And everything he had been feeling that night came rushing back with a new and overbearing intensity.  
  
Which made the process of treating her just a little more difficult.  
  
He put on a pair of goggles and inspected the huge gash in Abby's stomach. A nurse continued hooking her up to the monitor and giving her oxygen. There was blood everywhere; she looked so small and helpless. All he wanted was for her to wake up and be OK. He almost felt he was going to be sick... He wished so badly he could have prevented this... When had this all gotten so bad?  
  
"Dr. Carter, she's stopped breathing..."  
  
"Ok, prep her for emergency surgery; someone get Dr. Lewis in here now!!!"  
  
"Starting CPR..."  
  
Carter began pumping Abby's chest. He looked at her face with the most determined look in his eyes. A flat, green line flashed across the black monitor like Death's own eerie signature. Carter had never been so gripped with fear. He kept going with the fiercest passion he could muster.  
  
"No, you will not die on me now Abby...," he said through tightly clenched teeth.  
  
"Doctor, we need to operate or she is going to bleed to death..."  
  
Carter turned his sweat-covered face at the nurse, then back at Abby's monitor. His mind began humming with horrible thoughts he couldn't even begin to comprehend. He had to save her; he refused to see her die...  
  
Suddenly, everyone in the room jumped as Abby's monitor sprang back to life. Her heart rate began to stabilize and Carter almost fainted again for relief. He had never been so relieved...  
  
"Dr. Carter, we need to operate..."  
  
"Yes, yes get Dr. Lewis down here..."  
  
Carter continued to add clean gauze to Abby's wounds. His eyes began to fill up with new tears as Susan entered to operate on Abby.  
  
"Oh my God, is that Abby? What happened?" asked Susan urgently. Carter only looked at her and said nothing. She tried to get Carter to leave, but he demanded to stay, so she began working on Abby regardless.  
  
"What the hell happened here?" Susan asked as she continued on Abby.  
  
"I have no idea..." Carter's eyes glazed over as he imagined all the terrible possibilities...  
  
The whole scene was like some horrific nightmare, and all he wanted was to finally wake up... 


	4. Because of me

Wounded  
  
By: *Heather*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the show ER.  
  
Author's note: This fic happens right after *the kiss* in "Lockdown". Don't get frustrated if you don't like the way the story goes- I assure you, it IS a carby, I just really, REALLY like angsty Abby...  
  
Chapter 4: Because of me  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"You shouldn't have been working on her."  
  
Carter sat at the table in the lounge with his head in his hands. The thought of talking, moving, or even thinking seemed impossible. Susan stood in the door with her hands helplessly at her sides. She spoke with a soft, sad tone.  
  
"I'm not gonna pretend to know what went on between you two during the lockdown. But something obviously did. You were clearly affected by it, to say the very least. You shouldn't have had to do this. Why didn't you come and get me?"  
  
He slowly picked his head up and leaned it on his hands.  
  
"I wasn't exactly thinking about myself at the time."  
  
Susan sighed deeply. "You're off in a half hour. Maybe you should leave now, I could cover for you..."  
  
Carter just shook his head and continued to stare at the void of emptiness that lay before him.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
She came back slowly; trying so desperately to hang on to the unconscious world, but waking up was inevitable. The first thing to return to her was her hearing. The steady beep, beep of the heart monitor told her exactly where she was; the exact place she didn't want to be. Abby regretted opening her eyes before she even achieved the feat. One look around brought even more bad news- she was at County. Then came the pain.  
  
The guilt trip, the depression, and the entire events from the past few days were like sunshine compared to the pain Abby was experiencing at this moment. It started with a massive headache and extended to every molecule in her body. It felt like every part of her was bruised, slashed or broken.  
  
Then came the worst element of all- the memory.  
  
It was all so fast, so real... It felt like she was being hit by another truck. Some of the events remained fuzzy, but others returned with a powerful vengeance. A terrible thought crept into her mind; a thought too scary and dismal to linger on, but which stayed at the back of her brain no matter how hard she wished it to leave. She began wishing the accident had just put her out of her misery- permanently.  
  
Abby was brought abruptly out of her thoughts by the sound of the white sheet that surrounded her being pulled roughly away. The harsh sound made her head pound like a jackhammer. Abby's eyes adjusted to the new light and she slowly looked up at the person standing at the end of her bed, checking her charts.  
  
"Carter...," she whispered softly before she could stop herself. When he looked into her eyes, Abby felt like dying all over again.  
  
"You're awake," he said as he injected her IV with some painkiller.  
  
"Barely..."  
  
"Are you in any pain?"  
  
The question was almost funny to her.  
  
"My head... Mostly my stomach..."  
  
"Well, a car accident and a serious hangover will do that to ya."  
  
Abby closed her eyes and wished she were still unconscious. At least then she wouldn't be having this conversation.  
  
"How many did you have, Abby? Five? Six? Did you lose count?"  
  
"Stop..."  
  
"Your blood-alcohol level was off the charts. I thought you were sober; you told me you were sober."  
  
"Please, stop..."  
  
"How can I stop, Abby? How can I stop when you wont?"  
  
The tears stung the tiny cuts that dotted Abby's face. Silence dominated the room. She couldn't handle this...  
  
"Do you remember anything?" Carter's voice was monotonous once again.  
  
"No," Abby lied.  
  
"Why would you do this, Abby? Why would you get in a car for Christ's sake???"  
  
"I told you, I don't remember..."  
  
Carter walked over and sat in the chair beside Abby's bed. He took her hand and squeezed it tight.  
  
"Why wont you tell me the truth? Why wont you let me help you?" The look on his face was unbearably desperate. Abby looked away.  
  
"I can't do that to you! Don't you get it? You have no idea what you're asking for, what you're setting yourself up for!"  
  
Carter was silent for a moment. Abby could feel his eyes burning into her. He squeezed her hand again and spoke.  
  
"Look at me."  
  
Abby didn't move.  
  
"Abby, look at me!" He said the words with such an intensity that she had to face him. When her eyes met his, she swore she heard her heart monitor speed up about 20 times.  
  
"I don't care. I want you Abby. I don't care what kind of 'excess baggage' comes with it. I want you, the whole you. I'm in love with every part of you, and there's nothing you could ever say or do that would scare me off. Do you have any idea what was going through my head when I saw you pulled out of that ambulance?!? I was so scared I had lost you..."  
  
By now, Abby's tears were flowing freely down her face. Carter reached up his other hand to gently wipe them away.  
  
"Please Abby, let me be there for you. I would do anything just to be there for you..."  
  
"John, please don't do this..."  
  
"No Abby. I'm not going to let this happen to you again. Please, just tell me... everything..."  
  
Abby's head was swarming with so many thoughts it felt as though she might explode. How could he really be saying this to her? It was everything she had ever wanted to hear; it was her dream. God, she loved him so much... It seemed impossible for her to love someone so much...  
  
"I don't deserve this... You don't deserve this... I can't let you do this to yourself."  
  
"I can't leave you like this. Stop putting yourself down. I already told you, I want to help you."  
  
"What if you can't help me?!?" Abby started weeping again. "If you even try to, it would ruin your life! I would ruin your life, John!"  
  
Carter paused before he spoke again.  
  
"Did you start drinking because of me?"  
  
Abby looked at him with the last bit of determination she had left.  
  
"I started drinking because of me. Because of what I did to you. Because I hated myself for doing it. It was because of me, never you."  
  
Carter's eyes were beginning to water as he stroked Abby's face and hair. Abby could barely keep her eyes open as the drugs started to work their magic.  
  
"Carter..."  
  
"Shhh... Don't worry, I'll be here when you wake up, I promise..."  
  
"I'm so sorry..." Abby's words trailed off as sleep claimed her once again. 


	5. Too late

Wounded  
  
By: *Heather*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the show ER.  
  
Author's note: This fic happens right after *the kiss* in "Lockdown". Don't get frustrated if you don't like the way the story goes- I assure you, it IS a carby, I just really, REALLY like angsty Abby...  
  
Chapter 5: Too late  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Damn, that's depressing,"  
  
Pratt stood leaning against the admin desk, glancing at the message board. Susan walked up behind him, catching his mumbled statement.  
  
"What's depressing?"  
  
"Them two." He waved his hand in the direction of Abby's room. "Don't even tell me you don't know what I'm talkin' about."  
  
"It's really none of our business."  
  
"That don't stop me from being curious... Any idea what happened between 'em?"  
  
"No. All I got out the whole thing is that Abby was in a car accident."  
  
Pratt nodded his head and looked back at the message board. His eyes narrowed when he caught sight of Carter's name.  
  
"Hey, when did Carter get off?"  
  
"I dunno, about 5 hours ago... Why?"  
  
"Says here he's on in another hour. Has he been here since his shift ended?"  
  
"I think so..."  
  
Susan continued to study some clipboards when Kerry appeared.  
  
"What room is Abby Lockhart in?"  
  
Susan looked up in confusion.  
  
"Curtain two I think, why?"  
  
Kerry just nodded and made a beeline for Abby's room. She threw open the white curtain to find Carter and Abby, both fast asleep. She put the envelope she had been carrying in her pocket and gently shook Carter.  
  
"Carter... Hey Carter, wake up..."  
  
He slowly opened his eyes, and, remembering where he was, stood up quickly.  
  
"Is something wrong?" he asked urgently as he checked Abby's vitals.  
  
"No, no, it's not that. I just, um, I need to talk to Abby. Privately."  
  
Carter looked back at Abby, who was beginning to stir and rouse from her slumber.  
  
"She's just started to wake up... I promised her I'd be here when she woke up."  
  
Kerry leaned against the bed and looked at Carter.  
  
"I think you should take a break for a while. Go home Carter."  
  
"I think I should stay."  
  
"Did I not make myself clear?"  
  
Carter looked at Kerry with an exhausted, defeated look in his eye. He just didn't have the strength nor will to argue. And he knew he would never win. He leaned over Abby's forehead and kissed it gently. Then he stroked her hair and whispered softly in her ear.  
  
"Don't worry; I'm here..."  
  
He left without looking Kerry in the eye, and Kerry kept her head aimed at the floor. She slowly took the white envelope out of her coat pocket and examined it for what seemed like the thousandth time. She limped over to the chair that was vacated by Carter and called out Abby's name.  
  
"Abby... Abby, can you hear me?"  
  
She opened her eyes with a newfound reassurance that she would see something good. She swore she had heard Carter's voice... But this one was different.  
  
"Kerry?" she asked groggily.  
  
"Yes. Abby, I know you're not fully awake, but I need you to try and look at something for me."  
  
Abby nodded her head and tried to clear her mind of the confusion that swarmed around inside. Kerry handed her the envelope and watched as Abby opened it.  
  
"Do you know what that is?" Kerry asked.  
  
"It looks like... a summons...?"  
  
Kerry nodded her head.  
  
"The date is in 3 days. You're being sued by the owner of the vehicle you stole, and I imagine you have a fine for driving while intoxicated."  
  
Abby just stared blankly at the piece of paper she had been handed.  
  
"You're going to need a lawyer. I could call around for you..."  
  
"No, no please. I wouldn't want to trouble you any further..."  
  
Kerry stood up and sighed as she walked away. She paused just before she left when she heard Abby speak up.  
  
"Kerry... I truly am sorry."  
  
She looked back at Abby and smiled as best she could.  
  
"I know, Abby. I know..."  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Kerry was walking quickly away from the trauma room when she spied Carter coming towards her. She stopped him before he could return to Abby's beside.  
  
"Carter, I think we should talk."  
  
He turned around to face her, but anyone could tell his mind was elsewhere.  
  
"Oh? About what exactly?"  
  
"I really think you should take some time off. A week maybe. Last night was just a coincidence; we could spare you for a week at least."  
  
"Thanks Kerry, I appreciate the offer, but..."  
  
"John, if you don't take some time off, I will suspend you."  
  
"That's one hell of an ultimatum..."  
  
Kerry sighed.  
  
"I'm having someone else take over caring for Abby. You need to leave now Carter."  
  
"Why are you doing this? Are you forbidding me to stay?"  
  
Kerry looked at him with an undeniable authority.  
  
"Yes. Now go home."  
  
Kerry stood in her exact position until Carter walked away and through the exit. It felt to her as if the entire world were holding its breath, waiting for everything to blow up in their faces.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Miss Lockhart, you are charged with auto theft, driving while intoxicated, and intentional disturbance of public property. Do you deny any of these charges?"  
  
"No, your honor, I do not."  
  
"Then I sentence you, by this court of law, to a three week rehabilitation session in Rockford, Illinois effective tomorrow. Also, your fines come to a grand total of $762.83 payable to the city of Chicago. Court is adjourned."  
  
Abby felt the room was spinning out of control. Her life was decided by the strike of the judge's mallet. She was completely helpless. So many things were speeding through her mind, crashing into each other like a thousand drunken car wrecks...  
  
The courtroom was slowly emptying of all inhabitants. Yet, Abby remained. She knew she could have gotten worse. She knew she should be thankful. Maybe she would finally get the help she so badly needed. Maybe...  
  
She got up and followed her lawyer out of the room to discuss transportation to Rockford. It was decided she would take the bus. The lawyer told her to go home and pack, and all he asked of her was to be at the bus station at 9 o'clock the next morning.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
It seemed to Abby that the sun rose earlier just to spite her today. She had hardly slept at all last night. But she didn't dare sleep in on this day...  
  
She got ready, grabbed her bags and hailed a cab on the street corner. She arrived at the bus stop to find her lawyer waiting for her. She could see his lips moving, but no sound was reaching her ears. Her mind was a million miles away...  
  
She hadn't told him. She hadn't even talked to Carter since she was released from the hospital. She didn't know if he knew she was leaving or not. She figured it was best she did this on her own. But she missed him so much already... Had he really meant what he said to her in the hospital?  
  
Impossible.  
  
"...and call my office the second you get settled. We don't want to give the judge a reason to give you jail time..."  
  
Abby looked blankly at the lawyer and nodded. Then she got on the bus and sat in a window seat near the back, lost in her world of painful thoughts. So lost, she failed to hear or see the man standing at the bus stop, arriving just a few precious seconds too late. 


	6. Don't stop dancing

Wounded  
  
By: *Heather*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from the show ER.  
  
Author's note: This fic happens right after *the kiss* in "Lockdown". Don't get frustrated if you don't like the way the story goes- I assure you, it IS a carby, I just really, REALLY like angsty Abby...  
  
Chapter 6: Don't stop dancing  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
47 hours, 34 minutes, 26 seconds and counting... Every moment seemed to take forever to pass. Never had time run so incredibly slow for John Carter. It was pure torture, plain and simple.  
  
He had taken a week vacation as Kerry had "suggested". Now he was back at work, but only in body. His coworkers could tell his heart and mind weren't in it. Now he sat in the lounge all alone, drowning in that deadly liquid know as depression. He barely even noticed when another human entered and sat beside him.  
  
"How're you holdin' up?" Kerry stared guiltily into her coffee cup and tapped a rhythm on the handle. Carter picked his head up slowly and looked at her. He was so tired... He just didn't feel like playing this game anymore.  
  
"What is wrong with you? I mean seriously, what exactly did I do?!?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Oh come on... Why were you so intent on me 'taking a break'? I just don't understand."  
  
Kerry leaned back in her chair and continued to scrutinize her coffee.  
  
"I'm not the only one who noticed it. Almost everyone has. But you just can't see how emotionally unstable you are lately."  
  
Carter stared at her blankly, as though he couldn't quite grasp what she was saying.  
  
"I'm sorry you're angry with me. I just thought it best if you limit stress."  
  
"I'm a big boy now, Kerry. I think I can handle myself."  
  
Kerry sighed and tapped her coffee cup again.  
  
"I know how you must feel..."  
  
"No, I really don't think you do! I can't imagine how you would." Carter's mind was starting to buzz again. "You had no right..."  
  
"Actually Carter, I do have the authority to suspend you as I see fit." Kerry stood up as she interrupted Carter's statement.  
  
"I wouldn't even object if you sought some treatment. And this isn't just about Abby. You've had to take Mark's place as the most experienced doctor here. That's a huge responsibility. I know you're strong enough to handle it, but if you need help..."  
  
Carter laid his head face down on the table again. He really had messed everything up again. How could he let this anger, this misery blind him from what was happening to him? He was destroying himself from the inside out. And he was starting to sit back and watch it destroy everyone around him.  
  
Even Abby.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
She was experiencing the longest bus ride in world history. Had it really been this long on the way there?  
  
Abby looked longingly out the window at hundreds of cars as they sped past her and towards their destinations. An old love song played on the radio, and she tried to distract herself with one of the rehab manuals they had given her. And her mind wandered...  
  
You couldn't say she *started* to think about him, because the thought had been there since the day she left. It had been eating away at her relentlessly for three entire weeks. She had spent many sleepless nights consumed by the thought of reuniting with him. Abby had never known how it felt to truly miss someone before that person became Carter.  
  
Would he look any different? Would she look any different? Would he even want to see her? What if he was angry with her? She didn't know if she could even handle seeing him again without having to break down and cry. She hadn't even begun to realize how badly she had messed up before she got to rehab.  
  
She thought getting sober had been hard three years ago. But this was like nothing she had ever experienced before. This place was bordering on torture. She didn't really want to think about it... All she really knew that she was sober again, and she owed everything to Carter. The thought of hurting him like she had before was unimaginable. She had found a new strength in him, in herself, that hadn't been there before. She was wounded, and she still had a lot of healing to do.  
  
But for the first time, she felt like she had something to fight for.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Are you really sure about this?"  
  
Deb was hopelessly trying to hang a banner above the window in the ER lounge. She was looking down at Susan with a questioning look on her face.  
  
"Yes I'm sure. You need some help with that?"  
  
Deb rolled her eyes and stepped down from the chair she was standing on, having successfully hung the banner. The welcome-back party had been Susan's idea. It's not that she wasn't glad she was back, Deb was just wondering if Abby would be as excited as everyone else. Or that she would really want a surprise party.  
  
"Well, I think I'm gonna head down to pick up the cake. Back in a flash..."  
  
Susan had invited everyone in the ER to the party. She only hoped they didn't get hit with some kind of disastrous accident. She knew the little get-together wouldn't last long anyway. Abby was probably very anxious to just go home. It was a miracle she had convinced her to come here at all.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Well, this was it.  
  
Abby stood and fidgeted uncomfortably outside the ER's sliding doors. She took one last deep breath and pushed herself through.  
  
It was exactly as she had remembered it. Not one thing had changed, but something still felt different. Maybe she was the one who changed...  
  
She walked towards the lounge with all the confidence she could muster. She reminded herself to act surprised one more time and turned the doorknob.  
  
A chorus of "Surprise!" and "Welcome back, Abby!" bombarded her from all angles. She smiled wide and proceeded to give everyone hugs and tell them how she had missed them all. Everyone was there, Deb, Susan, Pratt, Gallant, Kerry, Luka, and nearly all the other nurses... Everyone...  
  
Abby was presented with the honors of cutting her cake. As she handed everyone a piece, she talked and giggled happily. She really had missed them.  
  
But soon, reality dawned on the party, and people started going back to work. She thanked everyone, and they told her not to open her presents until they could return to watch her. Kerry patted her hand just before she left, and Susan gave her a hug. No one seemed to want to mention Carter, and Abby didn't want to ask.  
  
She sat alone at the little table and picked at her cake. She became so completely lost in thought, she didn't even look up when someone quietly entered.  
  
He looked at her and felt his breathing stop short. He had imagined this moment a thousand times, but the actual event was entirely different. He couldn't believe he was finally living it.  
  
Somewhere her thoughts had ceased, and she became incredibly aware of someone standing in front of her. She would never forget the moment her eyes met his. Time was expanding again...  
  
She stood up and had to lean against the table for support. She was so scared... She didn't know if she was strong enough to walk, but she headed for the door regardless. She didn't look at him as she grabbed her bag and reached for the door.  
  
Carter grabbed her arm.  
  
The touch of his skin against hers was electric. Her heart was beating so fast she was sure he could hear it. She turned around so their bodies were facing each other. He looked right through her eyes, straight to her soul. Hours seemed to pass before anyone spoke.  
  
"Hi," he said. Abby couldn't help herself from breaking into a grin, forcing Carter to smile back at her.  
  
"You can't imagine how much I missed this smile..." Carter gently brought his hand to Abby's cheek, but, catching the fear in her eyes, brought it slowly away. Abby looked down at the floor, but was surprised when Carter spoke up again.  
  
"Here," he said as he handed her a small, square-shaped present. Abby looked at him skeptically.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Open it."  
  
She obliged. After tearing away the wrapping, she found a CD, the kind you record over to create your own mixes.  
  
"What's on this?" she asked with a smile.  
  
"Play it."  
  
She walked over to the CD player that sat on the counter. The CD started playing, but she noticed nothing special about the music. It was just some typical slow song. She looked at him with a strange look on her face. He understood immediately. He walked slowly over to her and took her hand.  
  
"It's not about the song, Abby. It's about the dance..."  
  
Carter took her in his arms and they slowly started swaying back and forth to the music. He looked directly into her eyes once again, that look that went so much deeper than anything she had experienced before.  
  
"The last three weeks have been the longest I've ever suffered. The thought of finally seeing you again was the only thing that kept me going. Now, you're here, and I'm not gonna let you go again. Please Abby; let me be the one to rescue you."  
  
Abby's cheeks were soaked with her own tears. She couldn't do this anymore. She was finally realizing how badly she was hurting Carter by pushing him away. She wasn't protecting him at all...  
  
"I don't want to fight this alone anymore..." Abby fell into Carter's arms and cried desperately on his shoulder. Carter stroked her hair and kissed away her tears.  
  
"I'm so sorry, John... Please... I need you; I really do... I've needed you from the very beginning..."  
  
They were holding on to each other as though they were the only thing they had left to hang on to. Carter leaned down and kissed Abby's ear.  
  
"You will never have to face this alone again; I promise you, Abby..."  
  
Carter stopped and looked down at her with that fiery intensity that she loved so much about him. She could feel that intensity pulsate throughout her entire body as his lips met hers. She never wanted this to end; this was finally her moment. This was her heaven...  
  
"Don't stop dancing..."  
  
T*H*E E*N*D  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Author's note: Thank-you to everyone who has supported my story! You have no idea how wonderful you've made me feel. I'm sorry for getting so upset over one flamer, but they just really piss me off. Not just on my fic, but for everyone. It totally ruins the purpose.  
  
I would like to especially thank coffeeandpie for your amazingly supportive review. Your words truly inspire me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  
  
And about the sequel... It's still a work in progress. I will try to post it as soon as possible. Thanks again, and I love you all!!! 


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